Social Satisfaction

The more often I go out with my s.o. the more I realize that he has never told the the whole story. It is entirely possible that it is out of some kind of strange modesty that he never talks about himself in that kind of light, but the stories that are told about him during social gatherings paint a slightly different picture than the one he has created for me by himself. I suppose my best friend would do the same thing - expose me for what I really am, whatever that might be.

It was fun hanging out with a bunch of people I don't know and a few that I do yesterday afternoon. But most of the time that I was there I felt like being somewhere else. I think I am more of an introvert and more socially awkward than I would like to admit. But I'm more okay with that now that I'm a little older. I've never been a big social party kind of person and that is probably due to by parents never having friends over. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember them inviting people (the kind that we were not related to) over for drinks and hanging out. Most of the time we just had relatives show up and they would drink coffee and eat whatever confections we had already in the house. Sort of boring, but I guess it was 'socializing' in my parents eyes.

I have one friend. I guess it works out because she is my best friend and I don't have to make any other friends feel inadequate because they have not been selected as the 'best'. She has three children. I have none. She is going to college to help people breathe better (according to her oldest child). I was an art major and am only now attempting to use my 'skills' to better myself. I'm okay with not being a popular socialite. Do you really need more than one great friend and an s.o.? Is it okay that my s.o. is not my best friend? I mean, I tell him lots of things, maybe not everything, but he doesn't really talk to me very much about the important things anyway.

I feel like I am embarking on another selfish journey this year - the first being training for and running a half marathon - which I awarded myself with a tattoo for completing. This new art journey is going to take up the extra morning time that I would have spent sleeping, the extra evening time that I would have spent watching shitty cable television shows, the extra weekend time that I would have spent doing something that probably didn't need to be done. I'm working on my priorities now. I'm coming up with a list of things I need in my life and the things I really don't need to be wasting time on right now. I know that Running, Reading and Knitting are all important things to me now. Running because it relieves my daily stresses and helps keep me fit and sane. Reading because of my commitment to my book club, because I enjoy it, it expands my vocabulary and it gives me a chance to escape. Knitting is sort of more of a utilitarian sort of thing for me, slightly therapeutic, but being able to make my own clothes and the fact that it gives me the chance to make unique and personal gifts for my friend and family is something I really do enjoy.

This taking of time for myself is not a bad thing. It's not that I care less about my s.o. and that I should feel guilty that he might need to make dinner a few more nights a week. I need to let go and do this. I need to stop being afraid and rehash some old ideas and make them live. Maybe if I can bring out the demons of my inner psyche and have them in a physical form right in front of me being brought out into the light and living then maybe I can work on being more complete and satisfied with my life.