Nemesis

Ok. I'm an NPR junkie. Wait, I guess I should say something about why I didn't post yesterday. It was my birthday. I turned 30. Fuckin' nice. Ok, anyway, NPR. I listen to NPR whenever I'm in my car. I love it. It's how I get my news and nice dose of wordsmithing and creative writing and soundscaping. Tonight, on my way home from night two of my birthday celebration (a.k.a. mourning the passing of my twenties), I heard one of my favorite story programs, Snap Judgement, where they were discussing the idea of a nemesis.

An interesting concept. Especially for someone that is freaking out about turning thirty. I feel like I am my own nemesis. I am the one preventing myself from moving forward or from completing something. I am my own worst critic and what I think are other peoples opinions of me are completely misjudged. Maybe if I can just get myself motivated and stop screwing around. Even writing this now I am distracted. I think that maybe I am afraid of actually completing work and putting it out there and then realizing that it is nothing close to what I expected it to be and that I will never live up to what I wish I was.

I think that this Half Marathon Woman piece that I have been envisioning is actually going to be changing into the My Own Worst Enemy (Nemesis) piece. A bucket full of ideas that just gets schlepped around and never put to use - maybe a hole in the bucket where the ideas are leaking out. Or the bucket being held like an innocent infant - being protected from the harsh outside world and its judgements by never letting them grow, develop, or be seen. Scissors, cutting off my own hair. Gun to my head - held by my own hand. Hole in my chest, exposing my heart locked away - keys dangling over my open lips about to be dropped in and swallowed. Hmm... I like how this in going. Multiple arms and legs, like a Hindu Goddess - but more bohemian hippie midwesterner - 3 different shoes and one bare foot.

I think that having a hard time with starting my first year in my thirties is all inside my own head. One of my co-workers is telling me that his thirties have been the best years of his life so far and that I should be enjoying it - but he really isn't looking at it from the same perspective that I am. He is in a completely different place - and he could never put himself in my shoes. I think that it is easy to tell someone what you think about what you know of them and their life from the outside - but it's really hard to truly understand someone and their motives and background and psychology. And it can almost be more difficult to understand all that about oneself from inside your own skin, operating within your consciousness.